Forum Line Book

[morse1001]

Originally Posted by mosquito617

Of course, there's always the cocky responses from pilots (thanks to 106 line book)
"I made such a smooth landing i didn't know i was down until we stopped."
"I know absolutely nothing about giving birth, but when it comes to conception, i am the MASTER!"
"We were so low coming back that they didn't need to shoot us down, they could have just sunk us."
And finally, for the guy who had just got his second bar to a medal "It's what happens after the third bar that worries me."
And if you are all really good, i shall tell you what happened when i went looking for the school caretaker. Oh, the shame.

The RAF Form 700, which is actually a folder containing various forms and info about the particular aircraft.

The fault reporting section has produced a great deal of hunourous comments.

"Something loose in tail jet pipe" - "Something loose in jet tail pipe - tightened"

There is a list somewhere on the net of more examples

"No3 engine missing" - "No3 engine found next to No4 on portwing"

Definition of cockpit thrombosis - dangerous clot behind the the control column!

[morse1001]

Some stories from the ATC.

To our foriegn readers, the Air Training Corps, was a youth organisation based upon the RAF and designed to give young people a chance to experience service life.

When I was a cadet, just about all of the Warrant Officers and Officers, who were RAFVRT, were ex-aircrew, many of whom had served in Bomber Command for some strange reason.

I remember a Air display at RAF Leuchars and outside a tent some of the then Phantom Jockeys were posing with their flying suits. Standing to oneside with his back to me was a Warrant Officer in his best blue uniform. He turned around and you could see the vrt badges on his collar, but more importantly, was the Pilots wings with the Pathfinder badge underneath! he outshown any of the young jockeys on that day.

I always supposed that why so many ex-WW2 people took part in the ATC was because as late the 1970s, we were still equipped with WW2 kit! Blue serge battle dress and collar detached shirts, I used my grandfathers Army collar studs from 1916!

However, I took the O'level navigation when I was a cadet and the instructor was a nav. that was fine but when it came to various exercises the opening lines of the problem was always the same, "You are a navigator of a Main Force bomber and you have taken off from Scampton. You are to RV with the rest of main force at ........... and so on"!

However, I digress, as a young and keen cadet, I saved up my pocket money and bought a set of Chipmunk Pilot Notes.

We used to do our air experience flying from RAF Turnhouse and so my squadron was there for some flying. During the summer it was great, sitting outside the flight hut with the canteen window open, watching the various aircraft taking off and landing.

it came my turn to fly and so i went to the two Waafs who were fitting the parachutes. Their favorite trick was to check that the parachute was only tight, was to put ther hands down the front of the harness. As a 14 yr old on the cusp of sexual expereinces, then they produced a sensation which was guarnenteed to ensure the harness was tight and we would walk funny!

After that, I was lead to the rked aircraft and was securely strapped in. I took out my Pilots Note and was reading them when the Instructor arrived. He asked me what it was I was reading and i told him, he said "Its very interesting"!

Off we went into the wild blue yonder, well 1500 feet at a cruising speed of 95kts, we passed over the Forth River bridges and were heading for Fife, at this point the engine started to cough and spullter.

the pilot came on the intercom and asked if he could borrow my notes. I passed tem over and watch as he opened up the cockpit pictues at the back. I could heard him over the intercomm giving it, " Thats okay, Thats okay, That lever is alright - then - so thats what that does, I've often wondered"!

I mentioned about the harness having to be tight, one of the squadron officers, used to come over to cadets who were sitting in their parachutes waiting to go up and ask them to stand up and if they could breath. if the answer was "Yes! Sir!", he would reply, sit down they're not tight enough."

On my second flight, I was sitting waiting in my parachute and the CO asked me if I wanted something to read, he grabbed something from the canteen desk and throw it over to me. it was the crash report for a Chipmunk that had went down the previous year. Boy was I nervous about flying that day!

My older brother John was a cadet at the same time - all of the five brothers did at least three years in the ATC.

We were at the annual camp at Finningley in yorkshire, which at that time had Vickers varsity Trainers and Domine jet Trainers. We were due to fly in the Varsity on the Tuesday, For john and I, it would mean that all five brothers had flown in Varsitys!

The flights that we were on were simple nav training flights, fly to Aberdeen, turn and then fly to Glasgow and then back to Finningley. I should point out that the varsitys had by time we flew in them, been in service for near thirty years. Despite, the high standard of maintaince carried out, were prone to the occasional major problem

John was enjoying his flight, they actaully flew over outr home town and John was allowed to view it through the bombsite! I later on had the same experience but it was through a Canberra bombsite and the crew of the Canberra were showing how the canberras would have launch a nuclear weapon!

Then all of a sudden, John heard a crunching noise and the captain said over the intercom that they had lost the starboard, which was fine, the varsity had two and being a develpment of the Wellington bomber had good single engine handling.

Then the port engine began to cough and so the captain ordered over the intercom "prepare to abandon aircraft", parachutes were distributed and clipped into position, the various escape hatches were opened.

The coughing got worse and the captain now ordered, " Take up position", in a aircraft carrying ATC, if there is an emergency, the the cadets are always the first to leave the aircraft.

nevertheless, on this occassion, the trainee nav who had been sitting next to John, stood up ran to the forward hatch and jumped!!

Just as he jumped both engines came back and the captain said "We'll wait till we return to base, before telling the authories and him"!

[morse1001]

There was an English man, Irish man And a Scottish man who all wanted to get into the RAF.So the English man went up to the Sargeant and asked him how to get in the RAF so the Sargeant told him you had to go blow up a building without anyone seeing him.So that night he went to blow up a building and he went up to the Sargeant and said 'I've blown up a building without anyone seeing me and Sargeant said 'How many letters in the alphabet' and he replied '26' so the Sargeant said 'right your in' and the next day the Scottish man did the same and replied with 26 so he was in too.And the day after the Irish man went and did the same but replied with 24 so the sargeant said 'You must be bonkers cause theres 26' but the Irish man said 'You must be bonkers because I've just blown down B & Q!'

Definition of jet lag : "finding your wallet in the refrigerator and not remembering what you did with the milk".


A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turnaround and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
and about flying when he's with a woman.

Instructor: Now watch careful... stick backward *pulls stick back* trees get smaller see? Now... stick forward... *pushes stick forward* trees get bigger... and bigger... and bigger...
Having completed my first solo on Bulldogs, I taxied back to ATC to pick up my instructor, as he was watching me from the tower.
ATC: Uniform 45, can you confirm that you are behind the tower?
Instructor: Yes, Uniform 45.
ATC: Oh right, it's just we couldn't see you behind the buildings.

*Silence* Instructor: Stealth...

[morse1001]

A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

[Gnomey]

[morse1001]

On that first night Cock and Voase Jeff were flying, and the former caught a Heinkel in the searchlights over Bristol. He fired all he had at it and was certain that it went * down, and when he came back was full of excitement about it; so much so that when a tall dark figure in the blacked-out watch office started asking questions Cock said: 'For ________ sake, can't you _______ well see that I'm ___ _____ phoning!' The tall dark figure was AVM Sir Quentin Brand VC DSO AFC, Air Officer Commanding 10 Group!


Beamont Roland., My Part of the Sky, PSL, London, 1989, P49


Field Marshal Slim used to tell a similar story about himself.


During the battle of Imphal, the FM went to a artillery op to see things for himself. He arrived unannounced and stood at the back of the Op. Then the Indian Army Captain in charge turned round and said to the darkened figure “If you are not doing anything useful, then go outside”. Slim said that he did and later the captain came out for some air, saw the FM but all Slim did was smile at the Captain.

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Oh yeah!

Any nice lines from the forums knocking around out there?

[morse1001]

comments for military assesment forms

1. His men would follow him everywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. This officer is really not so much as a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seem that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

5. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

6. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

7. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

10. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

11. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

12. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

13. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

14. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

15. This man has a self destruct button that he pushes with boring regularity.

16. This soldier is an active member of the regiment who supports all the social functions without regard for his own personal safety!

On one of my assessments, it read, "This airman could come into work wearing nothing but a Union Jack Jock strap and still do his job to my satisfaction"

the one I still remember with pride was the one that read "If he came to work wearing Warrant Officer insigna, I would not question his right to wear the"!

[morse1001]

"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training manual

[morse1001]

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".