Jokes thread

I was sitting quietly indoors this morning having a cup of coffee when all of a sudden a load of people appeared and started cleaning the kitchen floor...

.... I think I've been flash mopped.......

 

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are over 65 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S

 

Answers

1. RANDOM or FANDOM
2. FORK . . ..or FOLK
3. PANTS . ..or PUNKS
4. PULSE . ..or PURSE
5. SIX . . . . ..or SAX
6. BOOKS . .or BOOTS

You got all 6 wrong... didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert

 

A 70 year old woman put an advert in the local paper asking for a man of similar age who would like to share life with.
It said; You must not chase me around. You must not beat me. You must still be good in bed.
Next day a 74 year old man in his wheelchair who also had no arms was at her front door.
She said to him; Well you certainly can't chase me around, and with no arms you won't be beating me.
So I don't think you will any good in bed either.
He replied; Well I rang your door bell didn't I.

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault!”

 

When you're bored of regular fishing. This is Skarping.
A sport that combines water skiing and fishing for flying carp. And it is amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-QcCL9PTe0

 

Who Is Jack Schitt?




For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'





Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.





Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.





In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.





Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt..
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.

Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt

 

I bought my parents an elephant for their front room.
They thanked me warmly.
I told them not to mention it.

 

A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her Kings Lynn
school daily by
her Grandfather.

But, when he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny
was very
different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead,
foreign prick
or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"

 

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you
stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Saskatchewan, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says
the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing
that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still
alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Sask boy. 'In fact he worked with and
hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the bar for a beer and
that's why he's still alive. He's a Saskatchewan farmer and he's a hunter
and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting
with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would
a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to ?

 

BBC1: My Blackberry Is Not Working. It's completely frozen! "Well then, let's try it on Orange."
I've also got a problem with my apple, to be honest!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

 

There are some occasions when you don't want your dog to fetch!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQU4mjE2pQA