Whilst I was on holiday recently a Kiwi farmer came up to me and said "could you help round up my sheep?" I said "sure, how many do you have?". "About sixty eight" he said. "Fine" I said, "lets call it it seventy".
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together,and sent them back with a note saying, " I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others." Graham.
A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients,demanding attention, and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. One afternoon, an orderly entered the ward that he shared with 10 other patients. " time to take your temperature, general" After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. " sorry, general, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end " After a whole barrage of verbal abuse the general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in 5 minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the the head nurse entered the ward, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "whats going on here?" " haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? " the general barked. " yes I have, general, but not with a Daffodil? ". Graham.
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals" The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck" So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship" The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to come."
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
(In ferrying supplies from Sicily to Italy) Even 'ducks' (amphibious lorries) were crossing in flotillas. There is a story that the leader of one of these, a Subaltern of the RASC, was horrified to find a destroyer signalling him with a lamp. Wondering which rule of the sea he was breaking, the subaltern tremblingly acknowledged the call and slowly deciphered the message. It was simply "Quack quack!" (from The Quiet Gunner At War)
A friend of mine who keeps chickens got fed up with foxes getting into his chicken coop and killing his hen's.So one day he brought some Mexican Turbo White Chickens. He told me, "they are the fastest chickens on the planet,they can run at 70 mph and out run a fox anyday" I said "that's good, what do they taste like? " he said " I don't bloody know, I can't catch one". Graham.
