Hmm, this was found posted by a Czech! ............ From the Slovakian National Uprising diary... "At first we were two, me and my brother. Then we found Panzerfaust and we were three: Me, my brother and Panzerfaust. Then a truck full of Germans appeared on the road and we were four: Me, my brother, Panzerfaust and a truck full of Germans. My brother fired the Panzerfaust. And when the dust settled, there were just two of us. Me and a truck full of Germans." "Monday: Pushed Germans from the forest. Tuesday: Germans pushed us from the forest. Wednesday: Pushed Germans from the forest. Thurday: Germans pushed us from the forest. Friday: Pushed Germans from the forest. Saturday: Germans pushed us from the forest. Sunday: The keeper got angry and kicked both of us from the forest."
I almost went mad looking for this! But I did find it ---------- YOU ARE A TANKER IF: Your hunting dog obeys the commands "halt", "traverse left/right", "forward", "identified". You recycle because you feel sorry for those poor bastards down at Bragg. You can sleep through a raging thunderstorm, but wake up when your wristwatch alarm goes off. When playing football, you never throw a pass without checking wind, baro and the football's temperature. You let your kids pee off the porch, but ground them when their rooms aren't IAW the standard loadplan. You're always accusing the wife of turning down the volume down on the TV and telephone. You believe that during the Gulf War, everyone was there to support YOU. You laugh at redneck jokes...after they're explained to you. You shy away from helping your kids with their math because you don't have all your fingers. The only ashtrays you have at home are all 120mm aft caps. You giggle uncontrollably when the guys talk about the thrill of firing big bore guns like the .308. You spend your days off in exotic locales like the Patton Museum. You say "On the way!" as you pass gas. You name your kids Abrams, Sheridan, Patton, Walker, etc.... Your kid's nicknames are Sabot, HEAT, HEP, Coax, etc.... You consider four the perfect size for a family. You don't realize that's it's illegal to stick your head out of the sun roof while driving. You and your wife have a his and hers set of coveralls. You look down to read your weight and can't. You have the high score on Tank Battle at every arcade within a ten-mile radius. You remove your headgar and place your hand over your heart before utttering the words "General Patton". by "Old Kentucky Home" you mean Fort Knox. The only scouts you're aware of are Boy and Girl Scouts. Up is no longer a direction for you. You believe a hammer can fix anything. You run up your Sears charge card on 1 1/8" to 4" wrenches. You find "Tank" starring James Garner, to be a far better movie than "Top Gun" starring some priss. You stop by every gas station you pass in order to top-off. You invite all your friends over for a barbecue and all three show up. You can never buy a big enough car to drive around in. Your wife greets you at the door after work with a hose and bottle of degreaser. You drive everywhere, including two houses down.
Jokes on getting old. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would> recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, please write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' One more. ! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Stop me if you've heard it before ................................. A policeman, walking in the local park, sees an elderly gentleman slumped on a bench with his head in his hands. Not wishing to intrude, he carrys on with his beat but returns the same way to check up on the man. On his return he sees that the man is now openly sobbing so he decides he must get involved. The old chap is ready to talk. "My problems started ten years ago when I lost my dear wife who had been with me for fifty years. I thought my world had come to an end until I met my present wife who is the apple of my eye. She is the world's greatest cook......... She looks fantastic for her age........... She is a wonderful housekeeper and has taken charge of all our financial affairs. She caters for my every whim including even matters that I can't even discuss with a stranger. She is the best thing that ever happened to me in all of my life" "Fine", said the copper, "but why the tears ?" "I can't remember where I live !" says the old man
Senior citizen buys a souped up corvette and decides to try it out on the highway - 100 - 110 - 120 - 130 - then he notices the familiar red and whites wagging in the distance - so he thinks - I can show those guys in their Fords - 140 - 150 - 160 - he thinks again - I'm a senior citizen - not a punk teen - and pulls over... The RCMP finally catches up - strolls over to the senior and says - " I'm finishing my shift in half an hour - got the week end off - and damned if I'll spend it writing you up for speeding soooo - if you can give me an original tale - you can go :... Senior thinks for a minute then says - " yeah - a couple of years ago my wife ran off with one of your guys - and I thought you were bringing her back ....."
Pass baby - what would a Kiwi say ' "sped' - said it more" fast" - "quickly" -in a "hurry" - "quicker" - with more emphasis on the second sylable - within the context of faster speech it was supposed to be a joke not an English lesson - but then if you didn't get it - I can make the others even more simple ! Cheers No, I got It... [i aplogize for my english, I've just finished school... gie me a break!]
Pass baby - no need to apolgise - we've all been there .....try this one ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Cheers
Pass baby - no need to apolgise - we've all been there .....try this one ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Cheers Ha! i get it... surprise, surprise...
Confucius sayings: Confucius Say: Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Confucius Say: Woman who put husband in dog house, will soon find him in cat house. Confucius Say: Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy. Confucius Say: Man who run in front of bus get tired. Confucius Say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Confucius Say: Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Confucius Say: It take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it. Confucius Say: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Confucius Say: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Confucius Say: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Driver with a coach full of seniors heading down the highway feels a tap on his shoulder and discovers a little old lady handing him some of peanuts - he accepts and thanks her very muich...enjoys chewing them .....half an hour later - same again .....and again... so he asks her why she doesn't eat them herself ...so she says - " well we all have dentures and they are uncomfortable" ...driver sees her point then asks " why then do you buy them " to which she replies - "well we just like to suck the chocolate off them ...."
So - no reaction to the seniors peanut tale - huh - OK - here's another one ...... Cowboy and the Cityboy An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy 'If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You work for the Canadian Government,' says the cowboy. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the young man, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.' Cheers
I see - you guys are still asleep - so before you wake up here's one you might appreciate..... Burglar having broken into a large house is inspecting the living room by torchlight - suddenly he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you " Looks all around - nothing .. he carries on and the same voice - "Jesus is watching you " - looking carefully all around he spies a parrot on his perch - " so what's your name then parrot ? " To which the parrot responds - " my name is Moses" The burglar then asks - "what kind of an idiot calls a parrot - Moses ? " to which the parrot says - "the same idiot who calls his big Rottweiler Jesus" Cheers - I'll get off to bed now !
Tom Thanks for the last two, I did have a wee chuckle! Regards Andy PS. Remember its Sunday here! (UK) we try and have a lie in
Subject: Millionaire Mentality – something really good to read A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" However, its more than funny. Its thinking out of the box and being creative. That's why the client is a millionaire and the bank officers are just employees. This applies to our daily lives as well. Is yours the millionaire's or the bank employee's mind set ?
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie'sfamily was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talkwith him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he as so much mentioned anythingabout the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, hewould get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful littlehands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be "******" if he needed glasses".
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking.... Scared the s**t out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.
The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
A Husband's Explanation... The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened" "Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!" The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them." "Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story . . . . ."The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
Nuns die together in a horrible car crash and, since they lived a pure Christian life,are waiting at the pearly gates after they arrive at heaven. Under a condition, each Nun must answer a question about Christianity. The first nun walks up to Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks her what the name of the first man on earth was. "Oh, that's easy!" The first nun says. "Adam!". The gated open and she lives in peace for all eternity. The second Nun gets her question. "What's the name of the first woman on earth?" "Eve!" Gates open and the second nun walks in. Now the Third Nun approaches. Her questions is "What was the FIRST thing that Eve said to Adam?". The nun thinks. But she simply can't remember. So, not knowing what to do, she says "Oh, I don't know... that's a hard one." The gates slowly open and she walks in.
