I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck! The Best Christmas Jokes and Joke E-mail List - JokeCenter.com
I thought you would all ( well nearly all ) like this The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned for their short tempers. British Airways call sign Speedbird 206 (concorde). "Frankfurt, British Airways Speedbird 206 clear of active runway" Ground "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha one-seven" The British Airways concorde pulled on to the main runway and stopped. Ground " Speedbird do you not know where you are going"? Speedbird 206 "Standby looking up our gate location now". Ground with arrogant impatience "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt Airport before"? Speedbird 206 (Coolly) " Yes twice before in 1944, but it was dark and I didn't land!!!
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
A woman went into BMW dealership stood looking at an M3 she stroked it and bent down to look inside and let out a huge fart. Embarassed she look round and saw salesman coming towards her. She hoped he had not heard the fart and started talking about the M3. After discussing it at length she asked the price, the dealer said "madam if you farted when you saw it, you will **** yourself if I tell you the price"
And my favorite WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards. I just emailed this to my mother in law ha ha
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
A married ####hman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The ####man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped it." The priest said, "Rubbing against one another is the same thing as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box." The ####hman left the confessional, said his Hail Mary's and walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money into the poor box!" The ####hman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the money against the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." (joke self-censored as I don't want to aggravate the ####hmen in this forum )
Mental Health Ralph and Edna were both patients at a Mental Health Hospital, one day as they walked along past the swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped in at the deep end and sank to the bottom – and stayed there. Edna immediately jumped in swam to the bottom, brought Ralph up to the top and thus saved his life. When the Head Nurse heard of Edna’s heroism she immediately arranged Edna’s release as she was obviously quite rational and mentally stable. She hurried to meet with Edna and said “ Edna – I have good news – and bad news – you are to be released and can go home as obviously you thought rationally and responded in such a way that you saved Ralph’s life…also the bad news is that Ralph has hung himself with the belt of his bathrobe in his bathroom and unfortunately he is dead…..” At which Edna responded by saying that Ralph didn’t hang himself – “I put him up there to dry – when can I go home
I pinched this one from 'Real Classic' 90 year old man goes to the chemist and asks for 6 viagra tablets. "Can you break them into quarters for me" he asks. The chemist tells him that he won't get an erection with a quarter tablet. The old man says, " I don't want an erection, I am just sick of piddling on me slippers"!
I found this in Tank-Net so don't blame me if I offend anyone here I won't go far in describing this, go here and see posts 37 to 40 !!! ---- P.S. - one of my family names is Isaac, so I can come clean here
Middle of the night - couple sleeping - thunderous knocking at the front door - man gets up - throws on a wrap totters downstairs - opens door to behold a a drunk swaying in the wind - man asks - "what do you want" - the drunk replies - " I need a push " Man says "get lost it's 3 a.m. and chucking it down " slams the door- totters back upstairs where his wife asks " what was all that about" - "Oh just some drunk needing a push" The wife scolds him ' You have a short memory - remember a couple of months ago we aere stuck and those two guys helped us - I'M ashamed of you " ! So the man gets fully dressed - raincoat - wellies - opens the door - and yells - "are you still there ' - the drunk yells - "Yes over here " - ---"where's that ?" The drunk then yells ..........."Over here .......on the swing ! "
Bob and Jim in the locker room after their usual round at which, for the very first time, Bob wins. What happened, Jim? It's me eyesight, Bob .. I can't see where my drive land these days. You need a spotter, said Bob. 90-year old member, Charlie, in the corner calls, "I'll spot for you, Jim. I've got 20-20 vision!". Jim expresses his thanks and arranges to see him next week. The following Saturday they're all three on the tee. Jim has the honour and drives off saying "Did you see where it dropped, Charlie?" "Of course I did, I've got 20-20 vision", came the reply. Bob drives off and they set off up the fairway. After a while Jim asks, "Where's my ball, Charlie?" "Don't know", came the reply. "But you said you've got 20-20 vision", yelled an angry Jim. "So I have", said Charlie, "but, I can't remember!". I've only got six years to go, myself!! Les
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.
QUESTION Why do computers crash? At a recent computer expo Bill Gates, comparing the computer industry the auto industry, said: 'If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' General Motors issued this response: 'If we had developed technology akin to Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics. 'For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 'Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this. 'Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 'The oil, water‑temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation!' warning light. 'The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?" before deploying. 'Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 'Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 'You'd have to press the Start button to turn the engine off.' 'Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive ‑ but would run on only 5 per cent of the roads.
Sexist joke No.1 The traditional dumb blonde was driving her car, when the engine spluttered and died. An AA man eventually arrived and proceeded to fiddle under the bonnet. After a few minutes the engine sprang into life and purred as never before. “What’s the story?”, asked the girl. “Just crap in the carburettor”, he replied. “How often do I have to do that?”, she asked! Questionable Sexist joke No.2 One rainy night a cabbie spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alleyway. Even before he stopped at he curb a figure leapt into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman on the back seat. “Where to?”, he stammered. “Euston”, came the reply. Glancing again into his mirror the cabbie said, “Well ma’am, I can’t help noticing you’re completely naked, and was just wondering how you’ll pay the fare”. Spreading her legs the woman put her feet up on the front seat and said, “Will THIS do?”. “Got anything smaller, lady?”, came the standard cabbie reply. Mathematical conundrum A Sheik had three sons and in his Will he bequeathed half of his camels to his eldest son, one fifth of his camels to his youngest son and a quarter of them to his middle son. When he died he left a total of 95 camels, and his eldest son was in a quandary how to divide them up without slaughtering any. So he rode to the hills to consult a Wise man. A few days later the Wise man arrived, bringing with him his four sons, each mounted on a camel that the wise man told them to add to the Sheik’s herd which, together with his own, brought the total to 100 camels. He then told each son to take his allotted share. The eldest took 50 camels for his half, the youngest took 20 for his fifth, and the middle son 25 for his quarter. The wise man and his four sons mounted the five remaining camels and returned to the hills.
Another mathematical conundrum, from my old maths tutor: Professor Einstein was allegedly lecturing a class of young ladies, boarding at a finishing school, on the power of mathematics to resolve common social problems. As an illustration he invited them to spell out a communal problem they experienced. This, they decided was getting to sleep at night. On the blackboard he wrote: S L E E P N I G H T He then assigned a numeral to each letter, thus:- 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 for later transposition. He then asked them to choose any two numbers from the right hand group, say 8 & 6, and any two more from the left, say 1 & 4, that he wrote thus: +8 6 1 4 He then said to reverse the order and to subtract them - 4 1 6 8 +4 4 4 6 Now to reverse these and to add the two numbers, thus:- + 6 4 4 4 1 0 8 9 0 Multiply this by 4for the solution to their sleep problem 4 3 5 6 0 He left the students to transpose this to the original alphanumerics! * * * * * :wow:
