Hooligs Army yarns

Discussion in 'Veteran Accounts' started by hoolig, Sep 7, 2010.

  1. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    There was not much doing in the way of entertainment we had to make our own fun.
    The Company ran a Football pontoon, which I happen to win, the prize 7 pound, I went to the office to collect the money, the exchange rate had gone up from 800 Drachma to the pound to 2450, I had a fist full of notes.
    Back at the billet I flashed the money, big mistake the vultures gathered to decide how to spend what they considered was mostly their money, they voted, and I did not get a vote, for a meal and piss up.
    One of the bods went into the village, to a small cafe/bar, and arranged an evening, they had a comprehensive menu, Chicken and Chips, Egg and Chips or fuck all.
    The next evening 8 of us went to the cafe, the table was set up they gave us bowls of Almonds and dried fruit and bottles of Mavrodaphne and Ouzo, when the meal came they were huge plates loaded up, and we were told more if we wanted some, it was well cooked and very good, after that they brought out big bowls of grapes and more booze.
    We had a sing song and a really good time, it was time to go, and I had to pay the bill.
    On the walk back we passed a small cafe, we heard music, we went in, there was 3 Greeks drinking we joined in, we had a cultural exchange, they taught us Greek dancing, we taught them Knees up Mother brown.
    It was time to go, I payed the bill, I counted out the notes, and put the rest back in my wallet, I heard one of the bods say, he has still got some money left the tight sod, I knew that I would be waylaid in the canteen next day.
    Ungrateful lot of bastards LOL.
    More Later
     
  2. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    Your postings are a great read, Hoolig. I'm still laughing at the horse following you into camp! Please excuse my ignorance but what is smashed monkey? Thats a new one on me.

    Keith
     
  3. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    Hi Gunner Graham,
    Any processed meat
     
  4. Owen

    Owen -- --- -.. MOD

    Thank you for your comments, I have one a two yarns to post, but I hasten to add, there is NO Blood, Bullets, or Gore, thankfully I missed all that.
    The only action I saw was in my young teen period, during airraids.

    Written in true squaddie language aswell.
     
  5. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    Hi Gunner Graham,
    Any processed meat

    Thanks. I'd not heard it called that before. I look forward to your next post.

    Keith
     
  6. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    I walked into the village to get some nuts and dried fruit, I bought some Almonds, and pointed to the Sultanas, the geezer had to open a fresh box of fruit, there must have been about 10pound in the box, I paid, it amounted to a few coppers.
    I asked how much for a box of dried fruit, it was really cheap so I bought one, a box of Sultanas, when I got back to camp I got a sandbag, I went to the Uniform stores got a piece of thin canvas and put my Mums address on it, I got the bod to sew it on, put the box in, he sewed the bag up, and I took it to the office to post it off, I thought with rationing still on She will be pleased.
    A few weeks later I was told parcel for you in the the Coy Office, I got the parcel and went to my billet, I undid the parcel, and the cry went up Bert's got a cake, it was a big fruit cake, the vultures gathered and decided they would go to the cookhouse in the afternoon and get the cook to make us a cup of tea.
    8 of us went to the cookhouse the cook agreed to make tea, he was busy when the Cook Sgt came in that made 10 of us, the Cook Sgt cut the cake up, and we enjoyed tea and cake, but I swear to this day I got the smallest piece.
    The next day I wrote to thank my Mum, one of the bod's asked for some writing paper
    to thank my Mum, here is a sample.
    Dear Bert's Mum, your loving Son let me sit and watch him eat the cake, it looked delicious.
    And, I was sitting near your Son when he drops some crumbs on the floor, I managed to get some it tasted good,
    And, I was lucky enough to get a very small slice of cake, when I had eaten it your loving son made me give him a pound, I had to pay other wise he would have bashed me, it was all the money I had, I had been saving for months to buy my poor old Mum, who was crippled and spent her life in a wheel chair a birthday present, sadly she will have to wait to next year.
    Enough too break your heart.
    They were really a load of Bastards Lol
     
  7. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    Our little group got some dreadful news, we were being posted to Div HQ, we had vision of having to walk about all ponced up, guard duties, parades, and saluting, we could not understand why we were selected, we were not what you would call smart, or describe as soldiers.
    We were told to pack your gear you are moving in two days, with heavy hearts we got ready. A lorry arrived and we loaded up, we asked the driver how far is Div HQ, no idea he said, we are not going there, we were being shanghaied, we drove for about an hour
    we arrived at a cluster of houses and lowset buildings, we were taken to a small house and told that was our living quarters, we were given our rooms, there was three of us in my room, we were given a new palliasse and fresh straw, we had to sleep on the floor, but that was an improvement after sleeping on a stretcher for months, we were shown the bogs and ablutions, and taken to the cookhouse where we had a meal, we were told to unpack and we would be given instructions in the morning.
    Next morning we had a wash and shave, then to breakfast, and then told go back to you billets.
    We were sitting on the porch having a smoke when a Major arrived, we jumped up to give him a salute, he said that's OK lads sit tight, he explained to us that this was a part of Div HQ, project and your job is to clean the place up, he took us to a building, inside was a filthy mess, he said I want you to clean all this rubbish out and burn it, I then want you to wash the place down inside and out, there are several building the same, they have all got to be cleaned, we said what about painting, he said that's a good idea I will organise some paint, he said there is just the 8 of you I will look in now and again to see how it's going.
    We found out later about the set up, the Germans had turned out the villagers from their houses, where they had gone nobody knew, so the British had taken the houses over,
    there were only about 100 soldiers of different ranks there so the grub was good, this had turned out better than we imagined.
    We started on the clean up, it was a dirty job, but it beat the bullshit we expected, the Major did not bother us, he turned up when we were half way through painting our first building and he was pleased as punch, we were on to good thing.
    More later
     
  8. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    I walked into the village to get some nuts and dried fruit, I bought some Almonds, and pointed to the Sultanas, the geezer had to open a fresh box of fruit, there must have been about 10pound in the box, I paid, it amounted to a few coppers.
    I asked how much for a box of dried fruit, it was really cheap so I bought one, a box of Sultanas, when I got back to camp I got a sandbag, I went to the Uniform stores got a piece of thin canvas and put my Mums address on it, I got the bod to sew it on, put the box in, he sewed the bag up, and I took it to the office to post it off, I thought with rationing still on She will be pleased.
    A few weeks later I was told parcel for you in the the Coy Office, I got the parcel and went to my billet, I undid the parcel, and the cry went up Bert's got a cake, it was a big fruit cake, the vultures gathered and decided they would go to the cookhouse in the afternoon and get the cook to make us a cup of tea.
    8 of us went to the cookhouse the cook agreed to make tea, he was busy when the Cook Sgt came in that made 10 of us, the Cook Sgt cut the cake up, and we enjoyed tea and cake, but I swear to this day I got the smallest piece.
    The next day I wrote to thank my Mum, one of the bod's asked for some writing paper
    to thank my Mum, here is a sample.
    Dear Bert's Mum, your loving Son let me sit and watch him eat the cake, it looked delicious.
    And, I was sitting near your Son when he drops some crumbs on the floor, I managed to get some it tasted good,
    And, I was lucky enough to get a very small slice of cake, when I had eaten it your loving son made me give him a pound, I had to pay other wise he would have bashed me, it was all the money I had, I had been saving for months to buy my poor old Mum, who was crippled and spent her life in a wheel chair a birthday present, sadly she will have to wait to next year.
    Enough too break your heart.
    They were really a load of Bastards Lol


    Great stuff, Bert. :lol:
     
  9. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    We carried on with the restoration of the derelict buildings, the Major who was in the R.E.M.E, pop in now and then, he was a good sport, who took the trouble of learning our christian names, and using them, we asked him what the buildings were to be used for, he said it's some scheme Div HQ were organizing and that's all we were told.
    It was a good job, no rush, we had plenty of time to ourselves, we were all keen footballers and had plenty of kick abouts.
    We were coming back from breakfast when we saw the dog, he was big, very big, he was dirty, actually filthy, and he was ugly, very ugly, he came wandering over, one of the lads went to touch him, he shied away, but he was attracted to one of the lads, it was because he had a bacon sandwich, we made him give the dog half, it was like giving a donkey one oat, we got to the billet and we made the bod give the dog the rest of the sandwich, we did not realise that would make an unbreakable bond.
    We got changed and left to do some work, when we came back the dog was on the porch, he gave us a great greeting, I think he knew he had found a bunch of suckers.
    We went for our evening meal, we agreed to save some for the dog, when we had eaten we came away, but not before we heard the bacon sandwich bod arguing with the Sgt Cook about some food for the dog, only to be told fuck off I am not feeding stray dogs.
    Back at the billet we fed the dog with 6 boiled spuds and 2 bits of jam tart
    We said we have to name the dog, somebody said well you can't call him Rex or Rover, he's too fucking ugly, they said that's it, so Fugly was agreed, we called the bacon bod the Minder.
    We enjoyed a kick about, so did the dog, he soon learned to put a foot on the ball, when you went to him he would pull it back and run off, it was difficult to get the ball away from him.
    Four of us went to do a job, when we came back we saw a black and white dog on the porch we thought we had got another dog, but it was Fugly, the Minder had taken him to the showers and gave a good scrubbing, he looked a different dog, but he was still ugly.
    More Later
     
  10. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    It took a lot of doing but I've tracked him down and he would love a reunion - and a bacon sandwich!

    Keith
     

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  11. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    Hi Keith,
    The dog is too good looking, Fugly was an ugly bastard.
    Regards
    Bert
     
    Mike L and RosyRedd like this.
  12. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    Oh dear. Thats a shame, Bert. In that case I might have gone out with its sister for a while! :)

    Keith
     
  13. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    We were running out of jobs, quite a worry, the Major pops in to have a look but did not seem concerned, so we carried on with our go slow.
    We had plenty of kick abouts and Fugly was getting good at football, but he was a dirty player.
    The Minder fancied himself with his unarmed combat, we were always having a bout, one day he jumped on my back, we fell to the floor I was heavier than him and soon pinned him down, then Fugly came running up, he stood over us with his head cocked on one side, then I saw his eyes change, and his lips began to curl, and he began a low growl, he soon showed all his teeth, the Minder said I think you should back off, I slowly moved away and went to sit on the porch, the Minder sat up and gave Fugly a cuddle, he then brought the dog over to me and sat down, Fugly had calmed down, I scratch his head, and he gave my hand a wash.
    The Minder said we will have to give our fights up, or lock Fugly in a room, I said and nail his feet to the floor, he frighten the shit out of me, and he likes me.
    We were getting ready to do some work when we heard the barking and snarling we ran out and Fugly was in a fight with two dogs, the Minder ran over taking off his belt and drove the dogs away, Fugly came back to the billet shaking his head and blood flying every where, We grabbed him, and getting a bucket of water washed his face, he had a tear on his upper lip about inch and half long, The Minder was very upset,what shall we do he said, one bod said take him to the RAP, so three of us went the the RAP, the Sgt had a look and said that's bad, I will get the Doc to have a look, the MO came out and said that needs sewing up, we asked him to do that, He said I have got no Anaesthetic to spare for the dog, but I will have a go it might be numb.
    Two of us held the dogs legs, the Minder held his head, the Sgt held the tray, the Mo put the first needle in, Fugly opened then shut his eyes, and then went rigid, The Mo carried on, he then said thats 8 stitches 4 more should do, by then we were not holding Fugly, he finished stitching, put some cream on his wound which Fugly licked off.
    The Mo said that's one tough dog, bring him back in 2 weeks and I will take the stitches out.
    That night we had Sausages Mash and Beans for a meal, we did a double shuffle and got a plate for Fugly, we left the Minder having his usual row with the cook Sgt about feeding stray dogs, We skinned the Sausages and mashed his food, he nearly ate the plate, he had finish eating when the Minder came in with a big bowl of custard, custard some bod said I never saw any custard, the Minder said the Sgt made it for Fugly.
    More Later
     
  14. 4jonboy

    4jonboy Daughter of a 56 Recce

    Thanks for posting-great story. Lucky dog eh?

    Lesley
     
  15. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    Fugly sounds like one tough hound, Bert.

    Keith
     
  16. Mike L

    Mike L Very Senior Member

    Great stories Bert - keep 'em coming please!
     
  17. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    We had a visit from the R.E..M.E. Major, he said we had done a good job and was checking to see if anything else wanted doing, if not we would return to base, we soon got the bad news, lorry arriving tomorrow to go back.
    What to do with Fugly, we had a discussion and agreed to take him with us, the problem being where we were was unfenced, the main camp was fenced, we all agreed. what ever happen we would make every effort to feed him.
    We were constantly interrupted by The Minder abusing Fugly, with stop leaning on me you ugly bastard, somebody said why don't you lean on the dog, problem solved.
    The lorry arrived next morning, we loaded our gear, then Fugly was next he was only use to horses, donkeys, goats, and chicken, he was scared of motors, so two of us tried to lift Fugly, he struggled and bared his teeth, so we threw The Minder in the back, and with one each side and one on the arse end and The Minder pulling on the scruff of his neck we managed, he was not happy and the Minder had to give him a cuddle, then there was a terrible smell Fugly had farted, the Minder moved him up one end and we at the other end sucking in fresh air, Fugly could not under stand that, he stood there with his head on one side, whilst we all gave him a bollicking.
    We arrived back at the main camp, two of us stayed with Fugly at the guard room, the Minder went to see the RSM, who said I have heard about the dog, lets go and see the CO, the CO said the MO had told him about stitching up the dog and that we could keep him, with conditions, he was not to run loose, he was not allowed in billets, the Minder was to keep him clean and clear up after him, the CO said he will tell the Sgtcook to provide a daily bowl of food.
    This was really good news and next day we took him to the Tailors shop to have a webbing collar made, we put a hat badge on the collar so Fugly was one of the boys
    Sorry about the spelling and bad English.
    More later
    ,
     
  18. hoolig

    hoolig Member WW2 Veteran

    Fugly had settled in well, he was on a good thing, they housed him in a storeroom behind the guard room, he had plenty of room, an a bed made of sacking topped by a blanket, whilst we slept on stretchers, he had his food delivered each day, I fetch it once and it was more than we got, when he was not escorted by one of us he stayed with the sentry.
    Not having much entertainment we were allowed plenty of time for sport, we played football if it was a kick about Fugly joined in, he was a dirty player, he put his self about, if you saw a bod limping its odds on he had been Fugled.
    One day I got Fugled, I was 19, fit, fast, and had represented the British Army at Football, against the Greek Army, but I was no match for Fugly, I was set up, it was a hospital pass, the ball arrived at my feet and Fugly arrived at full speed at my back, he hit me and I went down like a sack of shit, he ran over me stood on my head and away with the ball, I laid there breathless and in pain for several moments, then I staggered to the touch line, I sat there counting my bits to see what was missing, I was really in pain.
    The kick about finished and the Minder and Fugly came over the Minder said you OK I said no I hurt all over, then I said to Fugly, and you can fuck off you big ugly bastard, that was a big mistake, they were words that were always directed to Fugly, and he thought they were words of encouragement, he jumped on me and proceeded to give my face a good wash, the more I oohed and aahed the more slobber I got, I pleaded with the Minder to call him off, but he was rolling on the floor laughing, I then remembered the magic word, and said lets get some tea, Fugly jump off me and bounced up and down with excitement, tea was his weakness.
    My face and hair was covered in slobber, I went and got cleaned up, we then went to the canteen, we paid for our tea and cake, Fugly got his free, he tea was in a basin, about 2 pints, it had to be sweet and very hot, he was a fussy bugger, he would stick his nose in then shake his head violently then back in, and he made the most disgusting noises, the Minder would say open you mouth, he would then put the cake in Fugly shut his mouth and the cake was gone.
    He would then try and get his nose in your mug, I got fed up with punching his head, and pleaded with the Minder to make him sit down, you had to be careful with your cake, and keep it away from him, I learnt my lesson early, I was talking and waving my hand about and he grabbed my cake and hand.
    Fugly sounded a bit of a hand full but he was a good dog, he always gave us eight who fed him from the start a great welcome, but he adored the Minder, I said to the Minder he never hits you on the football field, he said thats because I feed him, I protested, but I fed him, he said you gave him boiled spuds, I gave him a bacon sandwich, well you cant argue with that
    More Later
     
  19. La-de-da-Gunner Graham

    La-de-da-Gunner Graham Senior Member

    Great stuff, Bert! :)

    Keith
     
  20. Mike L

    Mike L Very Senior Member

    I am getting rather fond of this ugly bastard (Fugly, not you Bert!).
     

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